Are having choices really or necessarily a good thing? Perhaps not all the time...
At times, when there isn't a choice for you and you had to do it the only way... it might not be a bad thing afterall. In other cases, where you know there is a probability of risks and you have choices where a decision has to be made ... it might not be that exciting.
What am I talking about?
Some friends might recall that I had a previous c-sect done on my 1st pregnancy. Well, that wasn't really a choice as it was considered emergency c-sect since I had labor for 16 hrs and cervix did not dilate (actually only 1.5cm after 16 hrs of contractions). So I ended up with c-sect, which wasn't something I wanted nor expected. Frankly, I didn't like the whole process during the ops because I experienced intense shivering due to the effects of epidural in the ops. It felt terrible because I couldn't control the shiver and no one could.. I could only endure until gynae finished stitching. Emotionally, it affected me because I wanted to go through natural birth that when I ended up not able to do so, I started 'blaming myself' about being so incompetent ... this "slight depression" started on day 2 and it started to build up plus the fact that milk hasn't came in at the time. Everything made me felt like I am such a failure.... I cried .... and thank goodness, hb was there and that little comfort made me snapped out of depression very quickly. Couldn't imagine what would have happened if I continued to submit myself to depression.
So, this time round, I kinda prep myself that I could end up with c-sect although I was still hoping for VBAC (virginal birth after c-sect). In my last checkup with gynae (38 wks 2 days) on Sat, my cervix was still stubbornly closed although gynae said it has started to thin/soft. Gosh.. how long more do I have to wait... with the onset of contractions/tightening that I have been experiencing over the past 5 or so days. Ofcoz it was bearable... but definitely making me very comfortable. My tummy is super low ... I can't sit properly, it felt like my whole tummy has drooped! Keira kept wanting me to carry her... my bb's cord is around her neck, my strep B culture did not cure after 1st round of antibotics .... and I am so tired!
I had to make a decision to have a planned c-sect or continue to wait until my cervix dilate. There are many factors to consider and I did not have a fun time over the weekends thinking about what I should do! Every other time when I thought I made a decision to do 1-way, my mind suddenly changed. Fact is, I just could not make up my mind!
Finally, this morning, I told hb... it'll be final chance. I'll see gynae this afternoon, check again.. if cervix is still as stubborn as ME, then I will go thru planned c-sect tomorrow!
... I am freaked out! freak out about the effects of epi making me shiver during ops, freak out about the pain after c-sect, freak out about the recovery, freak out about not being able to carry Keira for (going to be) a while! so freaking out that she will begin to reject me ... :(
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3 comments:
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Hey, remember whatever choice you are making, u did the right one! Keisha is healthy and that's all it matters!!!!
Applause for your bravery once again!!! Keira will understand why you can't carry her. With an additional to the family, i think she will be too excited to be thinking of rejecting you!!
Hi Francis here, I know Keira will not reject you and CONGRATULATIONS for Keisha!
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