Are having choices really or necessarily a good thing? Perhaps not all the time...
At times, when there isn't a choice for you and you had to do it the only way... it might not be a bad thing afterall. In other cases, where you know there is a probability of risks and you have choices where a decision has to be made ... it might not be that exciting.
What am I talking about?
Some friends might recall that I had a previous c-sect done on my 1st pregnancy. Well, that wasn't really a choice as it was considered emergency c-sect since I had labor for 16 hrs and cervix did not dilate (actually only 1.5cm after 16 hrs of contractions). So I ended up with c-sect, which wasn't something I wanted nor expected. Frankly, I didn't like the whole process during the ops because I experienced intense shivering due to the effects of epidural in the ops. It felt terrible because I couldn't control the shiver and no one could.. I could only endure until gynae finished stitching. Emotionally, it affected me because I wanted to go through natural birth that when I ended up not able to do so, I started 'blaming myself' about being so incompetent ... this "slight depression" started on day 2 and it started to build up plus the fact that milk hasn't came in at the time. Everything made me felt like I am such a failure.... I cried .... and thank goodness, hb was there and that little comfort made me snapped out of depression very quickly. Couldn't imagine what would have happened if I continued to submit myself to depression.
So, this time round, I kinda prep myself that I could end up with c-sect although I was still hoping for VBAC (virginal birth after c-sect). In my last checkup with gynae (38 wks 2 days) on Sat, my cervix was still stubbornly closed although gynae said it has started to thin/soft. Gosh.. how long more do I have to wait... with the onset of contractions/tightening that I have been experiencing over the past 5 or so days. Ofcoz it was bearable... but definitely making me very comfortable. My tummy is super low ... I can't sit properly, it felt like my whole tummy has drooped! Keira kept wanting me to carry her... my bb's cord is around her neck, my strep B culture did not cure after 1st round of antibotics .... and I am so tired!
I had to make a decision to have a planned c-sect or continue to wait until my cervix dilate. There are many factors to consider and I did not have a fun time over the weekends thinking about what I should do! Every other time when I thought I made a decision to do 1-way, my mind suddenly changed. Fact is, I just could not make up my mind!
Finally, this morning, I told hb... it'll be final chance. I'll see gynae this afternoon, check again.. if cervix is still as stubborn as ME, then I will go thru planned c-sect tomorrow!
... I am freaked out! freak out about the effects of epi making me shiver during ops, freak out about the pain after c-sect, freak out about the recovery, freak out about not being able to carry Keira for (going to be) a while! so freaking out that she will begin to reject me ... :(
